A Wrecking Ball Of Heart
by blueandblack
Summary: Sirius goes mad - and he hasn't even seen the inside of Azkaban yet. Written for The Queerly Awesome Ficathon on LJ. The prompt was 'You're a wrecking ball'.


**Warning: **Ambiguously non-consensual

* * *

"Yeah," Peter said with what he thought was an appropriately wry smile, "if he's not too busy following his girlfriend around."

Sirius and Remus had been ribbing James about Lily all week, one rather less crudely than the other.

_You know he's started taking a box of tissues to bed with him - filthy little bugger._

Earth to Potter! You keep on staring at her like that and she'll be indelibly inked on your eyeballs - no - don't tell me - that's probably the idea, isn't it?

Laughter had always ensued - from all of them - even James.

But Peter thought perhaps he was a little late to the party, because when he made his joke Remus only nodded distractedly at his book, James only rolled his eyes, Sirius only snorted - and it seemed he did so with derision rather than appreciation.

"She's not his girlfriend," he said. He yawned, raised his eyebrows, examined his fingernails, added a casual "Idiot."

"Oh I don't know," Remus murmured, shuffling towards the portrait hole, still reading. "Peter's right - he doesn't even look where he's going anymore. One of these days..." Remus blinked, narrowly avoided colliding with a footstool. He snapped the book shut, shot a backward glance their way as he left the room, "One of these days he's going to follow her right into the girls' lavs."

James grinned and shook his head. Peter chuckled.

Sirius was still entranced by his fingernails - it seemed. When the portrait hole closed behind Remus he leapt up, took two quick steps and landed in the empty space on the sofa beside James.

He spread his arms out, lounged ostentatiously. "She's not your girlfriend, is she James?" he asked in a way that might have passed for good-natured. He grinned, leaned in. "You just want to fuck her, don't you?"

James rolled his eyes, more enthusiastically than he had before. He rubbed at the worn patch on the arm of the sofa, muttered "Shut up."

Sirius leaned back. "You want to fuck Lily Evans like nobody's business," he said with a smile.

Peter tittered nervously. "We're going to be late for Transfiguration," he said. "Everyone's gone already."

He wished he hadn't brought it up when Sirius turned on him with a withering stare.

"Why don't you run along then, Wormtail," he said.

Peter grinned sheepishly, stayed put. Sirius kept his eyes on him.

"No, I mean it," he said, his voice suddenly hard as steel. "Out."

Peter scrambled to his feet - he'd been sitting on the floor - it was a habit - a joke - down there with the other rats - it made them laugh - he thought - it was clever - maybe -

Sirius had turned his attention back to James. "You want to fuck her," he said again, sing-songing now, "You want to fuck her."

James sighed. "It's not like that," he said under his breath.

He moved to stand and Sirius' hand shot out, grabbed his wrist.

Peter was still standing where he had stood up, and Sirius didn't look at him, said again, more darkly than the last time "_Out._"

Peter didn't budge. He just tittered nervously again.

And then Sirius was on his feet, lunging towards him, arms raised. "Didn't you hear me? Get out, you fucking rodent!"

James stood up quickly. "Mate," he said, "settle down, I'm not going to let..."

Peter had scurried to the portrait hole and through it. He didn't hear the end of the sentence.

He didn't see what happened next.

* * *

"... you talk to him like that. He's supposed to be our friend. And I don't want you talking like that about Lily, either. It's not funny anymore, okay? It's really just... not funny."

"You want to fuck her," Sirius whispered like James had simply asked him to turn the volume down.

James groaned, pressed his hands to his temples, shut his eyes tight.

It was a mistake. It was a glaring tactical error.

Sirius was on him before he knew what had happened, and he was slammed up against the wall, pinned to it by the full weight of his body, his cheek pressing into the stone hard enough to bruise.

"You just want to fuck her," Sirius said again, volume up. "You just want to _do_ her like _I do you._"

"I told you," James gritted out. "It's not like that."

"No?" Sirius whispered. "It's not like this?"

It only took him one syllable - that last one - _this_ - to get James' trousers undone. His hand dove inside in the silence that followed.

James struggled instinctively - futilely, he knew. Sirius wasn't any bigger than him, but he was stronger - he sometimes joked that all Sirius knew how to do was -

It didn't last long - the attempt at flight. Sirius' hand was a tight-soft fist around him, and he was pulling up, over and over, he was pushing forward against him over and over too, in a way that was completely... what was the word... what was it?

Oh yes - overpowering - always - he sometimes joked...

James sighed, all the way from his throat to his groin. His body was gone, surrendered. But he could still, he could still...

"What the..." he started, but it was interrupted by a gasp - his - Sirius' - he wasn't sure. "What..." He closed his eyes, swallowed tightly. "Someone could come in. Peter... anyone... it's..."

"So what?" Sirius whispered and James thought he felt the words drip down his skin.

"So what?" he echoed, doing his best with incredulous. "So... so... so have you... Have you gone _mad?_"

Sirius laughed at that. "Have I gone mad?" he whispered. "Have I gone mad?"

The truth was that he had. He had gone mad. He had gone mad in the last five minutes.

He had gone mad because was so fucking in love with James Potter.

He always had been of course - always - a year, maybe two - _always._

It was just that it hadn't seemed to matter until now.

And now - _now -_

Sirius laughed again, turned it into a sort of a growl. It fit, he thought - he was a dog, after all. He was a dog and -

And there were licks and bites at James' neck that felt like kisses.

* * *

"Better pull your pants up, _Prongs._" Sirius lingered over the nickname delightedly. "Would want your _girlfriend_ to catch you like that."

James grasped the waistband of his trousers, began to turn around slowly, mechanically.

Sirius waited till he had.

And then he grinned, just as slowly, just as mechanically.

"I hear..." He brought his fingers lazily to his lips, sucked them sideways. "... she's a bit of a prude."

* * *

Sirius went through the portrait hole laughing in that impossibly mirthless way he sometimes had of laughing.

He took the stairs at a skip, even though he thought his heart was a rock, a huge one, it was a huge fucking rock, he had a wrecking ball of heart, and it was hard, it was heavy, it was too much to lift, too much to drag behind him.

* * *

James pulled his trousers up, fastened the buttons.

He rested his head against the window frame and stared out.

There was nobody there. The lawns were quite desolate. Everybody was in class.

_Transfiguration,_ he remembered, _I'm late._

James didn't move. He kept staring.

There was nobody there, but he imagined he saw Lily on the slim pathway below. He imagined she looked up and saw him. He imagined she smiled. He imagined she waved.

He imagined he smiled too. He imagined he waved back.


End file.
